How do I Decide to When to Prune?Jun 19, 2021
I have heard from clients the need for and challenge of how to “prune” relationships. Some have said it was painful to be “blossomless” and being reshaped. I also hear a lot of gratitude for the process after the pruning was done and new growth happened.
Having helped with lots of pruning, I am reminded how easy it can be to just want relief from discomfort and pain without really putting in the effort needed to make a good decision. There is not a quick or one size fits all answer but I believe there are guidelines that I follow and want you to have.
We can get bogged down in wanting to get everything right when most often there is no “perfect” or “right.” There is though, the need to be authentic, as clear as possible in our intention, and to do our soul-searching work. If any of these areas are not peaceful, then we most likely are not ready to make a major change.
So, what do we do to get clear? I am sorry to say there is no perfect path but there are guidelines. (AND of course, if abuse-physical or emotional is involved that is different and needs immediate action!)
Here are steps and one simple technique I recommend if you are wondering if it is time to prune:
Ask yourself “Have I been honest in sharing with the other person? Have I asked for what I need and want? Have I spoken up when I was uncomfortable or have I let incidents slide and build up? It is critical to take responsibility for our own participation in allowing discomfort to grow and then feeling resentful about it. Do I need to seek or give forgiveness?
One client this week realized that she needed to start being clear on what she needs and wants…it is too soon to prune without being more authentic. If we begin speaking up and are denied what we need we have something to work on or talk about.
Have you found a trusted unbiased person to give their views on what is happening? When we are emotionally caught up in a relationship, we often can’t be objective in seeing all the facts. This requires deep honesty and humility.
I have a few special people that are brutally honest with me. This is so valuable. There are times “I need to be reminded of what is true” and other times that I say “Will you listen to this and tell me what you hear?” With another’s perspective, we get balance in our viewpoint. We are responsible for our decisions and more information helps us.
Have you listened to yourself deeply inside? The trust your gut statement is a very valuable and true one. We do have a brain in our gut that is powerful and has lots of information if we just slow down and listen. Ask the questions and just listen to what shows up in thoughts, words, or synchronicities.
The best pruning results in both people benefitting even when it doesn’t seem like it. If done with honesty, reflection, and wanting the best for both, the result may not be easy, but can allow for that new blossoming after rest and fertilizing.
There are several tools for ultimate decision making but one of the simplest can be the most valuable. Make a list of plusses and minuses based on the three steps above and then review. Sit with the summary. Weigh each thought and then do some real comparison. Let your heart and mind together guide you.
The pruning in our lives is not easy but my hope is that this sharing will assist you.
As always, I love to hear from you and I truly treasure it when I am invited to be an unbiased ear! Press here if you want to have a conversation and visit my site if you want more information.
P.S. Fun quizzes and new courses coming---if you know someone going through a change I would love to be a guide…have them contact me or visit my site for more info.
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